I hope this email finds you well.
Just kidding.
So, I work independently on top of my day job, where I work for a larger scale, big-tech entity that sells wellness. Increasingly in my personal life, I’ve been hearing and reading the phrase “Wellness is dead”, meanwhile working in an environment that still believes fully in wellness and meditation as a cure for job stress and burnout, strained marriages, anxious thoughts, depression, addiction, and even gun violence. It’s interesting to experience this side-by-side.
Of course, me telling you this isn’t to say that meditation isn’t helpful, or that creating a sense of wellness in one’s life is futile. There’s complexity here, this is a both/and scenario. Once we begin striving for wellness, is it wellness anymore? And haven’t we been warned over and over again to beware of the panacea? I meet with many folks who seem to expect me to be angry, or to be hard on them in some way if they show up for session having made no progress toward their goals, if they did not complete a task that they had set for themself. I can understand why. When it comes to be expected that your mental health professional doubles as your bully, what does this mean for our current views of what wellness is?
Recently at work, a Slack thread was started, asking for shares of my colleague’s morning routines. Morning routines are so big in the wellness industry, and many of my coworkers shared detailed, structured and rather impressive routines they carry out each and every day. If you have one of your own that helps you, that is wonderful, and all well and good, and I’m happy for you. Really! I also want to say that this is not the only gateway to feeling _______ (good, productive, healthy, balanced, whatever word fits the experience that we desire when we carry out routines). I… do not have a morning routine. I am happy if I’m able to open up Zoom at 6am wearing something other than my pajamas.
We, in many ways, are still equating health with goodness, aren’t we? Our collective well of shame for all of the ways in which we could not do everything “right” enough to be happy, to be full, to be financially safe, to be physically protected from abuse, or from death, is overflowing. Oh, you’re feeling sad and apathetic? Well, did you meditate? Did you go for a hike? Have you tried (popular type of exercise)? Did you eat a vegetable? You haven’t formulated the magical math equation that yields happiness? No? Well, maybe that’s on you.
Meanwhile, we are all still living in those “unprecedented times” that we couldn’t talk about enough not so long ago (but now we’re supposed to be used to it). Sometimes I wonder how anyone has space left in their mind and heart to consider individual wellness when, societally, there is so much imbalance and suffering. I once wrote that “being present and awake in the world means having your heart perpetually broken and mended by humans”. The sadness of that must be felt. We cannot transcend being human, having feelings and complex experiences, pain, death. Personally, I don’t want to bypass those things. They’re part of it all, the crushing beauty of being alive.
Can wellness be viewed as a symptom of living in what Stephen Jenkinson calls a competence-addicted, death-phobic culture? Is it a kind of false refuge we have built in order to distance ourselves from nature / natural order? If wellness is really about living our best lives, why is it that our conversations rarely include discussion about a “good death”? In a culture so inundated with resources for living well, why are so many folks still dying without a living will in place?
While the practice of meditation itself can actually help us cozy up to death and what it may feel like to die, I do not see many guided meditations about death acceptance. Most often, I’m sifting through a ton of meditations geared toward shifting the mind toward productivity. However, with that being said, if there is one meditation that I could ever recommend, it’s the one listed below in the round-up. Each time I do this meditation, I weep big, big tears.
So, what? What do we set our sights on if not wellness? How do we focus on living full lives with rich experiences that lead to equally full, rich deaths, meanwhile divorcing the relationship between being well (and alive) and being good? What about the relationship between being well and making money? What about the relationship between wellness and what you see on Instagram? (No, I’m not even going to go there).
I think that part of the answer here might be that, while there are certain indisputable factors that must be in place for each and every human being to ensure they have the best chance to live until old age and then to have a good death (housing, financial stability, community, medical and mental health care, fresh air and a world protected from pollution, etc.), it’s allowed to look a little different for each person. I might not have a morning routine, but I do have a ritual in which, everyday, I take a round or two in my garden, saying “hello” to all of my plants. I know that I feel a sense of reverence and connection when I go see a band play live. I know my relationships are nurtured when we’re eating a delicious meal together. I know that my days are more fulfilling when I’m making, writing, or working on something that isn’t work-work. I know that my grief is lifelong, and has become a kind of friend to me, and that sometimes feeling well is making my grief a cup of tea. I am accepting toward death, and see my end-of-life planning to be a form of care.
Can this be enough?
✺ Marlee Grace’s I DO NOT MEDITATE.
✺ If “Wellness” is Dead, What Comes Next? podcast by Twelfth House. Was “wellness” ever real to begin with…? 🤔
✺ Alua Arthur’s Death Meditation. There’s a disclaimer that goes along with this one: “[this] practice isn’t recommended for those experiencing depression or having suicidal thoughts. If this is you, we gently advise not to do this meditation today.” I, myself, have done this meditation while feeling depressed and still found it to be meaningful, but use your own discretion and honor your own needs.
✺ Stephen Jenkinson’s Die Wise: A Manifeso for Sanity and Soul.
✺ Maria Bray on working hard to find work/life balance via The Creative Independent. My wedding ring was made by Maria. Even before reading this piece, I was impressed by her presence as a creative business owner—approachable, communicative, personal and warm. A human! A real human. I’m including this piece here because she talks about not being constrained to a type as an artist, which feels important when we get stuck in black-and-white thinking about what certain things are supposed to look like. “I have a problem with people telling me what to do especially when I have such a distinct vision and voice in my head of what I know I want to create.”
✺ Lisa Olivera’s Not every season is for thriving.
✺ Holly Whitaker’s #26 The courage to listen to ourselves: “In no other area of my life do I believe in the idea that one must override their intuition, eat their pain, or kill their soul to keep or attain something “necessary.” In fact, in every other area of my life these are the clues that tell me a person, an opportunity, a relationship, a place, or a flavor of ice cream is wrong for me. When my body says no, I absolutely fucking listen. So why for nearly 2 years now have I consistently believed there is something wrong with me, that I just need to get in a different head space…”
✺ I got to see Phoebe Bridgers play a live outdoor show recently. It’s been a few years since I’ve been to a summer show, especially one that popular. The people-watching experience was so good. I saw many inspired looks, so, naturally, I turned around and bought myself some Dickies overalls.
✺ If it all gets to be too much, just turn this song turned up. Like, way up:
Love,
Kit
Other places to find me:
Website
@ithoughtofyouhere_
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