On letter-writing
A method for continuing bonds, and the magic of getting something meaningful in the mail
I will do my best to keep my excitement for this topic at least moderately contained. Where to even start? I think I became obsessed with the mail somewhere around 5th grade when I discovered that if you wrote to celebrities (back when they publicly listed their addresses), you might get an autograph in return. I moved around quite a bit, experienced distance with friends and family and used the mail to keep close. In grad school, to soothe my urge to drop out and quit everything to in order travel, I wrote to strangers instead, collecting stamps, postcards, coins and art from Iceland, Singapore, Germany, Croatia, Norway, Australia, etc.
Greeting cards are now probably one of my favorite things to make. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday, perhaps due to hearing the constant gripe of it being a “holiday created by greeting card companies”. Why wouldn’t we want to support businesses that exist just to help us keep in touch with one another, to help us communicate what we’re unable to put into our own words?
It’s impossible not to think about continuing bonds when I think about letter-writing. To very briefly summarize, the term “continuing bonds” is one that was coined by Klass, Silverman, and Nickman in the book Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief An important aspect of this concept that resonates with many is that it offers a different take than the common concept of “the stages”, in that it focuses less on moving up rungs of a ladder toward acceptance and more on adjusting to change in a non-linear way. The idea of continuing bonds is an allowance for the relationship to continue beyond death, acknowledgement that the relationship is different, but that it still lives. Where a rigid, more westernized model of grief may pathologize someone for continuing to talk to their loved one, engaging in old habits or rituals that they would do with their loved one, and perpetually thinking of them, continuing bonds sees this as potentially healing. This connects also to the article, “Growing around grief—another way of looking at grief and recovery” by Dr. Lois Tonkin, who posits that grief and sensations of loss tend not to get smaller, but that life gets larger to grow around it. This allows for grief to add to life rather than take away, and reduces the pressure that those who have experienced loss should find resolution in a set amount of time, if at all.
[Quick disclaimer: if “the stages” concept of grief is one that resonates with you, know that’s welcome, too. Continuing bonds is not seen as universally healing. There is no right way to grieve. With that being said, much of my writing and artwork does operate with CB in mind.]
Some of my most treasured possessions are letters, both, from people who are still living and people who are not. Consider the fact that, by sending someone mail, you may be giving them something of yourself to hold onto beyond the moment of reading it. That this may be a way to feel connected to you in times when you may not be able to have back-and-forth conversations.
Consider that, if you’re sharing a compliment or a vulnerable reflection, the person receiving it will not be able to compulsively reject it. If you’re someone (like me) who does not enjoy talking on the phone, writing a letter is a low-pressure way of communicating, where you can have time to think through what you want to say. Consider the tiny, delicious little intimacies of getting a letter from someone you love: reading some of their innermost thoughts, seeing the way they write the word, “you”, the way their name looks in their own handwriting. Consider that a letter is a physical manifestation of care: even if it’s an angry letter, someone has taken the time to craft it, and even paid the postage so that it gets to you.
With love,
Kit
Experiment
Call to mind someone in your life. You do not need to be close to this person. They do not need to be alive.
Think on their qualities. How does it feel to be in their company? What song is playing as they exist in your mind’s eye? What color(s) do you see? Picture what it looks like when they laugh at one of your jokes. What is it that you like about them? What makes you feel tender for them?
Write it down. It can be short. It can be visual with no words. It can be a novel.
Put it in an envelope. Address it. Affix necessary postage. Send it!! (Or don’t).
If you want to skip the sentimentality and just go for laughs, send someone a potato, because that’s something you can do. That won’t keep as well, but it makes for a good memory.
Here are some of my fave greeting card makers:
✶ Worthwhile Paper
✶ Moglea
✶ Subliming
✶ Pocketo
✶ Various at Buyolympia
I am currently selling two cards: Lucky To Know You Card and You Were On My Mind Card.
Receive snail mail from yours truly, complete with a print or small original artwork, along with a handwritten note and other goodies, which I will choose intuitively. You can use the Note to Seller for any special requests or themes for me to focus on as I put it together. Buy it here.
If you want to know how to find penpals in this day and age, it will take getting a little creative, since sites like sendsomething.net and Letter Writers Alliance have retired. Check the ‘penpals’ tag on Reddit, Tumblr, and Instagram, and that might lead you somewhere fruitful.
Also consider writing to someone who is incarcerated.
Other places to find me:
Website